Reader Comments April 2001 - January 2002

Comments: Your site is a godsend find! thank you thank you!
I am a very successful corporate executive woman, very late 30s, married 15 years, 2 kids, very attractive with a drive for passion in everything I do. I am very involved in my church (even teach sunday school) and consider myself articulate and intelligent.
My husband is a wonderful man, and the best father for my kids I could have chosen. However, where I continued to grow, change, evolve in several directions, he stayed the same. I thrive on change, challenge, risk, and he is happy with status quo, traditional roles, stability. I use to think we balanced eachother in these respects, and that mindset allowed me to accept our relationship for years. Professionally, he is in the same job, with maybe 5% more compensation than when I married him. In any event, you might say I was a prime candidate for an EMA as you call it.
I met another man, professional, who was struggling with somewhat similar issues in 1996. The chemistry was almost visable between us, it was something I had never experienced before. We talked about rules, guilt, and especially the huge passionate void we both had in our lives. The sex was amazing, intense, experimental, playful, without judgements, or expectations. We snuk away to passionate movies, made love in hotel hallways and dressing rooms, took showers together, acted out many fantasies and talked and talked forever. This went on for 6 months, and evolved into the most intense emotional connection to anyone I have ever experienced. It scared both of us, especially him. We were so obsessed wtih eachother, we met some times 3-4 times a week, it was addicting. Eventually, we slipped up, each of us separately, and both our spouses found out. It was nasty. Both spouses decided to stick with us, we didn't want to end our marriages in spite of it all. I went into a major depression after breaking off the affair. My lover and I communicated on and off through the years, both of us longing for that closeness again, but not starting up again because of the fear that the intense intimacy would screw us up again.
My old lover is the man who sent me the link to your site... so much of the site confirms, almost word for word, what we have learned and the feelings we have. I know we are not alone. on some of my business travels, I have run into men who are also struggling with this...
Your site is almost a confirmation, not a justification, but an amazing resource for an extremely taboo subject. I would say S&M lifestyles are more acceptable to the general public than married people maintaining outside sexual relationships. Especially for women with children. There is a special set of issues women in EMAs have to deal with in my opinion, and one reason it's easier to find men looking for this than women. But, of course, there are out there too, just more socially repressed into accepting their situation.

I just can't thank you enough for assembling such a site, because of it, it helped validify and clarify some things for me and my lover.. we are discussing a new relationship again.

Thanks!

I've been searching for a site like this for months. I fell in love with a married man six months ago, three months before my own wedding, and we could'nt stop seeing each other ever since. He has 3 kids, I have 2 , and all these kids are under 7 - so it's all a big mess. It's getting harder and harder to keep both lives going, but I can't decide which one I want to let go. My lover is in the same situation. All we know is, we have never felt a love so strong, on both parts. We have been taking it one day at a time, for six months now.

Struggling

Been there. Will probably be again. Re-read your comments/cautions and they are absolutely on-target both in form and content. I encourage others to explore this side of their selfs in the responsible manner you suggest. Best of luck.

Glad to have found this place

Comments: In my case, my extramarital affair is with a friend of my husband's. I make a point of being very vague when he asks me what my husband is doing. My answer would be " he's in the garage" as opposed to "he's doing the brakes on the car" . My fear is that hubby will mention to lover that he did the brakes on the car and lover will say "yah, I know." HOW COULD HE KNOW UNLESS SOMEONE TOLD HIM?? It's very hard to keep track of who told you what, but you can usually remember who you told what too. When hubby realizes that HE didn't tell his friend this, suspicion is sure to be roused.

Being Very careful!

Comments: Another bit of advice for the would-be philanderer. Stop and THINK before entering a when your spouse is looking on! I was almost busted when I accidentally started logging in with the above email provider! I quickly distracted her and closed the browser. Close call!

I was in the midst of an affair before I knew it. Call me Nieve. I met this man at work. My place of work. Knew him no more than I have known any other guest. He posed a ? to me one night, stateing tothe fact that he was interested in me and was I just as interested? I was knocked off my feet. normall would have avoided him , but went to him. Talked and that was it. One night alone the affair started. Kept going, I thought at my age 42, this must be a one night stand and nothing else would come of it. Instead it went on and on. He was more serious than I at first. Until I found myself wanting to be with him more and more. Lasted about a year. Now I have heard from him , he says he wants to see me , but I don't know how serious he is about that.

Wondering and hoping

I was thinking of ending the affair I've been having with my married boss out of guilt, but after visiting your site, I have renewed excitement and the guilt has lessened.

Thank you so much!

I found the site very interesting. I never had an affair but i cheated on my wife twice. The first time with a girlfriend i had in high school, a one night stand..glory days kinda thing..but i would have done it again but she wouldn't..then just being horny one night when my wife was out of town i had a one night stand..a great night of sex with a great girl but i caught the crabs..that was hard to explain but my wife bought some fairy tale i made up..but i lost her phone no. and could never call her again but she was one hell of a lay..then after i straightened out years later my wife had an affair on me..a short term one but she fucked the guy at least twice..it devastated me and i have stayed with her but i don't trust her to this day..she never told me who it was so that sucks but for the sake of the kids i stayed with her and i can keep most anything to myself so i just figure it's easier to stay married..she makes a good salary..and all i need is sex a few times a week, get my cookies, i eat well, live well and she took care of me when i almost died a couple of years ago..i think she regrets the affair but in my mind i still feel she would cheat but she is will be 50 next month and i keep close tabs on her so she doesn't have the opportunity to cheat like she did when i was stupid about her goings and comings. I would have an affair with someone that only wanted sex but i am not getting into any long term relationship...i have a top secret security clearance and i could not only have a successful affair i could keep it secret and since my work gives me great cover for doing so at night and on w/ends..

Your site offers good advice but for those who are planning an affair remember two things..if you love your spouse at all you will experience guilt and if you do have an affair do not tell ANYONE...EVER...sincerely one whose been on both sides of the fence..

southern boy

Comments: I've been a regular contributor to the forum for well over a year now, and have found it and your wonderful website to be a major, major source of comfort and friendship to me during some incredibly rough times. This site has shown me that it IS possible to form strong cyber-friendships, and to extend them by meeting in the "real" world!! And this is the only place I can talk about my 15 month long affair with a married man without being universally condemned for it. There are the flamers, of course, but there are dissenters in every walk of life. Bless this website!! May god protect her and all who sail in her!!! (***sound of bottle of champagne being smashed against side of computer***)

Name Withheld

I have been married 23 years. Started an affair on my summer with 30 year old .Iam 44. (look 35 so they all say i feel 15) Wish i found you page earlier. I have a complete book on wordperfect of how this passionate chapter has started his-and her point of view. He is crazy about me.,I have all his beautiful love letters in my files,bsby ruth and Oh henry wrappins collected in m purses,I am nervousl awaiting for the 1000 telephone bill, I called him from home at 3.40 a minute. Now we are 10000 miles apart. I told hubby i needed a trip by mself around the world that I wanted some excitement in life...He was sad, and now suspicious, I have told my 2 sisters of a significant other and my bestfriend about it, not sue if she really will keep the secret, I have his video naked on the computer and another where he tells me he loves me!!. M husband met him once. I have done it all wrong.(Novice) I will be in deep yougurt when hell breaks loose. Thank ou for all the advice I will try remove some tracks before to late. I told my lover I pay for a ticket anywhere around the world to meet him he justhave to tell me when. He was all for it, passionate love letters ever since we started I just got an email "this have to be a temporary thing in my live as I dont want fall away from the things i real want for my life". I can hardly breath...I am in sock!!.,Just the email previous to that said "I want you to be part of my life for a long long time", "lets live this up for ever","I will be yours as long as your hearts pounds for me" etc. I dont know if I should break it now. I am enfactuated with this dude. I can think straight and think of any thing but him. Can wait forthe night to indulge in his thoughts and all the glorious,crazy, sexy things we did. I am so worry about the phone calls hubby is going to divorce right on the spot. I need some soul mates to talk to.
Thank you for your support.

Baby Ruth

A tip for the guys... DON'T try to hide your marital status from your lovers. there are enough women out there who *don't* care that it's dumb to try f*cking with a single woman who thinks you're available. Women are so programmed in this culture to search for the man and fall in love with sexual partners it's just dumb dumb dumb and dumber. Don't even take off the ring. Really. Better yet stay away from the single girls altogether, go for bored housewives.

Name Withheld

Well I must say if you are known to talk in your sleep you had better be especially careful....That is exactly the way that I found out that my husband had been cheating on me....In fact I have perfected my own way of extracting information from my husband while he is in a deep sleep and now am able to know exactly when he lies about where he has been or who he has been with....You should see the look of surprise on his face when I confront him with the facts the next day....He is so bewildered as to how I seem to know everything.....

Betrayed

To The Administrators of Philanderers,

This is a very interesting website - Someone anonymously sent me a link to it - My live-in ex-husband had an affair over 10 years ago that still haunts me - He seems to have known most of the tricks posted here. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of carrying on an long-term affair with someone in our close circle of friends. As far as I know, the affair ended when I ended the marriage and since our two children were still small it was not difficult for him to work his way back into my life - It has been over 10 years, we are now in our 40's. In the time since the affair and the divorce I have been careful to take care of myself financially - I own two houses - one that we live in, one that I rent. I've got a very successful career, I've set up a great retirement plan through work, and I have a network marketing business on the side that is just taking off. In a couple of years my children will be in college. 

My husband has some good points - He is a great cook, has a successful career, does his own laundry and share of house-keeping and I know he is sure that everything is just wonderful in the relationship. But, once the children are settled in school, I'm looking forward to the day that he goes away on a business trip so that I can take the opportunity to move out of the house, move his things into storage and find a partner who is not so emotionally challenged.

This site is wonderful - When I discovered my husband's affair I searched bookstores everywhere trying to find something to help me understand what it was that motivates this sort of thing. All I found was psycho-babble - things about love-addiction as a psychological problem, etc, etc. I think that the real thing is that there are many people that just don't need the kind of intimacy in their lives that is required for monogamous relationship. This site makes it easier for people who want monogamy to understand this and to make decisions about leaving the less than satisfying relationships they are in.

Anon

From: TheShe devil

Never try and cheat a cheater. Not just men have affairs in the last ten years I have had four serious boyfriends and cheated on all. Only got caught once and didn't care. However, I busted all of them and took note on not to do whatever I used to catch them. My dad was a big help on what not to do too. Keep it simple and casual. And always remember if you can do it; it can be done to you. And never leave anything in writing.

I know it sounds selfish, but some of the most exciteing loves in my life were married women!

Chris

From:  sweetdreams

Thank you so much for this wonderful website. I have had several affairs in my 10 year marriage and the number one thing that has struck me is having no one to talk to. Your site is sort of like a friend and solidified feelings I had about things that I wasn't sure about. Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!

Thanks Doug!

I just happened to stumble onto this web-site and am glad that I did. I have been married for 11 years and have 3 beautiful girls. I have had affairs in the past and am always on the verge of having more. The only thing that prevents me from going through with it 99% of the time is the guilt. The guilt is go great with me that even doing this now is causing me problems. My wife shows no affection and hates sex. She doesn't understand me and is about as outgoing as a brick! I have met several ladies that, by their own admission now, said they wish they could be with me. I too want to be with some of them if not only for the affection and understanding. I was married at 19 and never go to "sow my wild oats." If I stay married then I live in agony every day. If I cheat, then I live in agony as well. I want my cake and eat it too but i realize that that isn't possible. I either want to be cured and loose the desire for all other women (and sex for that matter) or loose my concious and have affairs with no guilt. What is the answer?

Name Withheld

Your site is great! I have been obssessing in my relationship with a married man, but I didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. I couldn't seem to get anything done. So I began to search for something on EM relationships. Your site has the widest honest variety of information that I've seen in 2 days. I got helped. Thanks!

Ever So Thankful

I am a 41 yr old woman married for 17 yrs with 2 kids living in a well-to-do neighborhood. I am considered attractive and have had men flirt with me but never one that was aggressive. Now I have met him. He turns out to be my next door neighbor!!! I told him that I loved my husband and he said he loved his wife but didn't we need some variety and excitement after 17 yrs. I met with him several times during his lunch hour to talk about the situation. Both times he has grabbed me and kissed me and I couldn't even think straight. He drives me crazy. He finally convinced me to meet him a third time and took us to a hotel where we had oral sex. It was amazing. He keeps calling now and then from home, work, his cell, and he e-mails once in a while. But he keeps blowing hot and cold. As if his guilt gets the better of him for awhile and he won't contact me and then all of sudden he contacts me alot. The stress is incredible and I am falling for this man and don't want to!!!! Help!!

Hello,
Thank you for this site. It is amazing to know that there are other women in the same situation that i am in, and the advice is great!! BUt i need more!!!
I am married one year (yes, i hear the cringing...) and around the six month mark, found myself questioning why i married the man that i did. I love him, but we were going through the first year "getting used to being married" thing and well, after buying a house and adjusting to a new position at work, found myself missing the passion in my marriage. My husband had become emotionally unavailable... i spent nights crying and in our 8th month, found myself emailing a man that i know from work.
the emailing become talking on the phone, which became meeting after work which has now turned into a full blown beautiful love affair. The passion i lost, has returned.

I work with computers for a living. I am a network Admin, so I have preformed "data audits" (reviewing the files on employees' workstations in order to make sure that they are working and not screwing around)for management on several occasions.

I read one post in your forum about receiving emails from lovers at work: That's bad idea! EVERY file on your work computer is rightfully the property of the company, and they can look at or read whatever they want. I strongly believe that there are legal precedents supporting this view in regards to several data storage and transfer systems, for example voice mail and e-mail, although the cases are pending on appeal right now.

Many companies with interent access via leased lines like T1 lines use a proxy server enabled with caching in order to speed up internet response times. That means that every site, message, image, and cookie that a surfer sees on their workstation is also held in cache at the proxy. As admin, I can audit this data any time I am asked to do so, and I have on several occasions (in one case leading to the dismissal of an employee). It's downright dumb to keep anything incriminating or non-work related on your company computer, even if it's a laptop. (Laptops that are "given" to employees are actually just being borrowed by said workers and can be taken back by the company at any time with no notice.)People who think that they have the same right to privacy at work as they do at home are in for a big shock. I hate doing that part of my job, but when management issues orders, I am expected to follow them.

Anyway, thanks for the note, and I am glad to know that I could be of some help. Take care and keep up the very interesting site!

Online and tuned in!