Don't tell anyone that you are thinking about having an affair, have already had an affair, or are presently involved in an affair. The fewer people who know about it the better. Even if you were to confide in your most trusted friend, that friend may accidentally and without even realizing let it slip out in an innocent conversation. If your closest and most trusted friend were to let the cat out of the bag, even if they didn't mean to, your friend would no longer be your friend. And slip ups such as these can never be fixed. Period. The end result is a lot of people needlessly feeling miserable. The old saying, "Loose Lips Sink Ships" comes to mind. Secrets are hard to keep when they're this juicy. Bottom line - keep it to yourself.
I can't stand it ...... the gossip would be the end of me! Get me outta here!
Long Term Affairs work best if you are up front and truthful with your lover right from the start. Long term affairs are very difficult to sustain if based on lies and deception. The longer it goes on, the more lies there are to remember, and the more devastating it will be for you and your lover when the relationship goes bad. Unless you are an expert liar, you will slip up.
Having had two long term affairs, I have found the last statement to be true. The first long term affair I was involved in lasted about 3 months. I did not use my real name, instead using "Mr. Mathews". Neither did I reveal what company I worked for or even what I actually did for a living. All of these details were fabricated in order to hide my true identity. My rationale was that the less my lover knew the safer I would be from being discovered. I found that each time I saw her, another lie would be told in an effort to continue with the deception. There came a point where I simply could not remember all of the little details (lies) and therefore could not go on with the deception without her catching me in a lie. I became increasingly unhappy to the point that I could no longer go on with the relationship. I ended that relationship on my own accord and was not happy about myself or what had happened.
My 2nd long term affair started out a little differently. When the relationship started, I revealed my name and occupation but lied about my marital status. I was determined to keep as much personal information beyond that to an absolute minimum. I felt at the time that it was a safe compromise. As time progressed however, it again became increasingly difficult to conceal the truth. Difficult for a number of reasons. I again found the number of little lies which accumulated over time became too hard to keep track of. The most significant difficulty for me however was the fact that I fell in love with my affair and simply couldn't go on with the deception. I was extremely fortunate that when I did reveal all to my lover, she decided to continue with the relationship. Most relationships end abruptly and most unpleasantly when deception of this nature is discovered.
Long term affairs are inherently more dangerous for the following reasons.
That being said, it is still possible to have a long term affair without revealing your true identity. You will however, find it tremendously nerve wracking and ultimately unfulfilling. You can't lie at first with the intention of revealing everything later if it goes well the first few times you meet. NOT RECOMMENDED!
If you intend to see your lover over a longer term and wish to be honest with them, establish the personal info particulars and ground rules early on.
When you're about to make a decision, ask yourself these questions:
To counteract the tendency of making rash decisions, it would be an excellent idea to develop some groundrules for yourself early on, even before you become involved with someone. Have these groundrules planted firmly in your head. When it feels like you're about to make a decision to do something dangerous or crazy and in contradiction to your established groundrules, STOP! You're probably about to do something that could possibly expose your affair. Don't make big decisions at the spur of the moment when blinded by emotions.
Situation: You are on a dinner date with your lover and you run into a family friend who knows both you and your spouse quite well. What do you say to them that would easily explain away your dinner companion?
Possible Solution #1: Introduce your lover as an old friend that you haven't seen for a long time. You're just catching up on what's been happening in each others' lives. Then drop it and change the subject. End the conversation as quickly as possible. Hopefully, you won't have already been seen earlier in an intimate exchange that will make your family friend suspicious.
Running into someone you know will always leave nagging doubts. Will your friend mention to your spouse that he/she saw you the other night with an old friend? If so, what will you tell your spouse when you're confronted about it?
Best Solution: Avoid the entire situation in the first place by not going to a popular restaurant where it is likely to run into somebody you know. Instead, opt for a hotel room and order room service for a romantic interlude. This will drastically reduce the possibility of being seen together.
Situation: In order to make time to see your lover, you sign up for an evening class at your local community college. Of course, you have no intention of going to class. It was simply a means of getting out of the house one night per week for a secret
rendezvous with your lover. Everything seems to go well until, when you don't show up for the second consecutive class, the class instructor phones your house to see why you haven't been attending classes. Of course your spouse will be quite confused and very suspicious. As far as your spouse knows, you ARE attending the class. After all, you have been leaving the house each Wednesday evening to go to the class.
Possible Solution #1: When confronted by your spouse as to your whereabouts, have a plausible
explanation. You may have wanted to join a poker club which plays on Wednesday nights but because your spouse is opposed to gambling you didn't want to upset him/her, so pretended to go to a night class. Or, you can say you signed up for the class on a whim, thinking you would like the class but after signing up didn't want your spouse to know that you had changed your mind and couldn't get back the money paid for the class. Rather than confess to your fickleness, you tried to save yourself the embarrassment by pretending to go anyway.
Best Solution: Avoid the possibility of this happening by doing something else that can't be traced or is unverifiable. Shopping trips are good as you could be anywhere. Long bike rides are a good idea. Fishing is also good as again, you could be anywhere for hours and could come home with nothing to show as the fish "just weren't biting". Be sure that when you start these activities, you start out slowly. Remember, any changes in your habits are cause for suspicion.
The above examples are but two of an almost unlimited number of situations you may encounter. The important thing to remember is that if you plan ahead, you will reduce the risk of getting caught. Think about what you might do in these and other situations.
O.K. You've scared me enough. Take me elsewhere.
Credit card charges are put on a bill. The monthly bill is sent to your home if it's your personal card or to the accounting department if it's a company business card. If your household is run anything like my household when it comes to money matters, my spouse is very involved. Unless you are extremely good at talking your way out of things on the spur of the moment, it is very difficult to explain how that $135.00 dinner at the Chez Louis got on the bill. When the company accountant finds a questionable charge on the company card, he/she will start to ask questions. Avoid any suspicion from your company accountant by using cash only.
Holy Moley! I can't afford to read on. Let's
change the subject.Isn't technology wonderful? Not if you're having an affair. Call display will ruin your life. Phone number display systems have made calling or receiving calls from your lover to your home or office phone (or visa versa) a very dangerous thing to do.
There is a feature called call blocking to counter this particular problem. However, you should only use it if you are absolutely certain how to use the call blocking feature. Another thing to consider if you call from home is the redial feature that is found on most modern phones. After hanging up, make sure you key in a couple of numbers so that your spouse or child doesn't accidentally call your lover if they hit the redial feature. Better yet, just don't call from home or office and save yourself the uncertainty.
If you must call your lover it is relatively safe (but not foolproof)
to call from a hotel room.
One problem you may face is getting the computer generated record of all
the phone calls you made from your room removed from the invoice. I make
it a habit to pay off all outstanding (and incriminating) phone charges
and ask the hotel clerk to remove them from the invoice before they send
it to the company. Sometimes this cannot be done. If not, don't phone your
lover from your hotel room as it may come back to haunt you. Use the pay phone in the lobby to be absolutely safe
A very safe way of contacting your lover is with a pay phone. It may not be as convenient but it only costs a quarter (if it's a local call) and is virtually risk free. What about using a credit card to pay for the pay phone call you ask? Don't pay it with your personal (associated with your home account) or company credit card!
Calling cards are a safe and convenient way of making phone calls.
There are disposable calling cards available which leave no trail. It's well worth looking into. You can find these in just about any convenience store. I know of at least a dozen different low cost calling cards, each with a different payment scheme. Check to make sure that you buy a card that does not charge a connection fee each time you make a phone call, otherwise you'll be charged a minimum fee even if you get an answering machine. (minimum fee runs about $1.50 per connection) These cards can be purchased for as little as $5 and as much as $50, depending on how much "airtime" you wish to buy. An average deal is 4 hours of airtime for anywhere in North America for $20. If you pay more than that you are not getting the best deal out there, however, even if you pay a little more... it's still a great way to phone your lover while minimizing the risk!!!Sounds like too much work to possibly be worth it.
See Ya!You will find it a real challenge to find time for an affair without raising suspicion. There is nothing more suspicious than a change in your regular routine. Do not change colognes or begin to dress differently. Do not start to "stay late in the office" on a regular basis if you haven't done so all along. Any changes to the norm will provide reason for suspicion and will get you caught.
If you find yourself in a position that requires a condom, USE IT WITHOUT FAIL!!!!
It is impossible to explain to your spouse where you picked up that disease without telling them everything. You have too much to lose by being stupid! If there is one rule to never, ever break, this is it! Even if you think you know everything there is to know about a person and you're absolutely positive about them, Protect yourself and your loved ones from pain and heartache......... PUT IT ON!!! 'Nuff said...........
Photographs are not allowed. That goes for your lover or of you and especially of you and your lover together.
Do not give your lover notes in your handwriting. If you do send a typewritten note don't sign it with a name that can be traced back to you.
Telephone calls can be recorded. When you have a phone conversation with your lover, be aware of any suspicious clicks or beeps on the line. If you suspect that the conversation is being recorded, cut the call off ASAP.
Throw away all receipts related to activities with your lover. This includes movie and theatre ticket stubs, parking passes, hotel receipts, gift receipts, drug store receipts when you bought condoms and so on and so forth. You get the picture.
Never keep phone numbers or addresses in your wallet or daytimer unless they are coded. I have a system where the name of my lover is written backwards and a tag is added. Additionally the last part of the actual phone number is backwards.
For example, Linda Smith in Dallas whose number might be 123-4567 becomes
121 Smith Street
Dallas TX
123-7654
Good Grief! This is too much. Goodbye!
Well that's all for now. Remember that the above tips are not by any means a guarantee that you won't get caught. There are, I'm sure, a lot of other things that could be done to make it a safer venture but I as yet have not discovered them. Remember, when you play with matches, you might get burned!
Private Affairs - Philanderers International regularly receives responses and comments from readers, several of which can be seen by clicking here. Thank
you for your ideas and insights.
Remember, all ideas and suggestions that are published on this web page
are done so anonymously. All identifying user names and addresses will
be deleted/erased and will not accompany your comment.
If you have any further advice or ideas regarding how not to get caught, please forward them to us and they will be incorporated into this page at a future date.
Last Modified Wednesday, April 04, 2001