Learning to Live

One year ago a friendship turned into lovers. It started off as two people emailing back and forth. We were both regular posters on the Philanderers Forum and it began when he contacted me to show his support over a situation that had come out on the forum. Two months later I found myself captivated by a man that I had never kissed, never met or never seen.

Being a woman that was only interested in sex and no strings attached fun it was an adjustment that came with difficulty, but at the same time came so easily.

I had always only desired the sexual aspect of an EMR. Never had I allowed someone to break down my walls and see me, all of me. Not only did he achieve getting past my barriers he also made me realize that beyond those walls was a woman who was in denial of what she longed for. Our first face to face involved a weekend away. We were both nervous about possibly facing that fact that there may be no chemistry as we had both never had such a relationship before let alone one that began on the internet. But soon we discovered that our fears were just that, fears. With one kiss our knees became weak, our hearts raced, and we soon began exploring each other's bodies. We made love, we F'd like rabbits, and we held each other to only begin playing once again.

After sharing a wonderful weekend away we both returned to our lives. We shared stolen moments, weekends, and phone calls. Moments of wonderment and excitement, weekends of erotic sexual pleasure and phone calls of longing and desire. We were both able to enjoy our relationship. We accepted that although we were unable to share in each other's daily lives, that we both shared each other's hearts. We were long distance lovers and after 2 months of not seeing one another we decided to again sneak away into our world for a few days. We planned, we romanticized and we shared in the excitement that we both felt.

I began preparing for our trip. Packing away the sexual novelties that we both enjoyed. Making sure to bring the stockings, the high heeled shoes, the baby doll and the few gifts that I had purchased for him over the past few months.

The excitement inside of me grew and became even stronger when he phoned that day. He too was excited, mostly due to the surprise that he had planned for the two of us. I tried guessing and he just laughed and told me that patience was a virtue and one that I had to continue practicing. We ended the phone call and as I hung up the phone I closed my eyes and envisioned him standing before me once again.

That night my husband came home and I made calls to the babysitter to ensure that all was covered. Then the phone rang and it was then that my world came crashing down.

A dear close friend who knew of my affair decided it was time to share this information with my husband. Her reasoning? I still don't know. She too was married and having multiple affairs and while some felt that I should also bring her affairs out of the closet to her husband, I did not. As soon as possible I snuck away to inform my married lover that I had been busted and we had no choice but to cancel our plans. I tried to convince him and myself, that our EMR could continue on and it would just be a case of laying low for a while.

Unfortunately, that was the last time that I spoke with him other than a few emails written back and forth while he and I both shed tears. My husband still does not know all that was involved in my EMR and I believe that was my only saving grace. I decided it was time to put effort into repairing my marriage in the hopes that it would improve. I was riddled with guilt caused by the pain in my husband's eyes. That guilt lasted a few months, maybe less. I soon realized that he was unwilling or unable to see what had caused me to make such a dramatic choice to have an affair. To him, our lack of communication and sex was not a problem but for me it was leaving a void that seemed enormous.

While I pushed for us to go into counseling and begin communicating, he felt it was best to just move forward and forget the past. It was only a matter of time until things returned to normal…. or shall I say our version of normal.

I have come out of this learning valuable lessons that I will never forget. I will always cherish and live in the moment of my future EMR's. I have realized that few can be trusted and as much as one might want to share their secret life with a close friend, no one ever knows what will happen to that friendship. Secrets like this seem to eat away at friendships. I feel it's better to be safe than sorry.

Most importantly, I have learned that although sex without strings attached often fills the void, it is only for a moment. To love, feel love, and be loved and to share, to dream, and to fantasize, well, it's simply overwhelming. It is difficult, but not impossible to keep in perspective.

I have accepted the fact that I am philanderer at heart. I love my family, my children and my life and I will continue to do right by them. But I cannot deny my needs. I refuse to live a life with a void that can possibly be filled by another who feels the same.   ©