A Real Life Story

From a marriage of 20 years that ended due to my lifestyle, my decisions in life, I moved across the country to be near my MW. My marriage was as dead as a union can be and yet still be called a marriage. I accept total responsibility for the way things were with my wife and I at that time. I had been a serial philanderer for 18 years of our marriage and had several busts behind me, the last bust was one which involved the current MW. It ended in divorce, a divorce that was long overdue, there was just not enough left there to rebuild, nor did I have the desire within me to do so. I will say that my wife wanted to put it back together, God only knows why. I elected not to. How do you do that when you love someone so much that you can't think of anything else? Is it fair to the spouse to go through the facade? I know, I know, there are those of you who will point out that I had never considered fairness to her in the past, why now? Whatever!! There comes a time when you just know that is right to come clean, and that was that time for me.

So we divorced, in the meantime I kept seeing MW from a LD standpoint. Now let me try to explain my feelings for her at that time, and to be honest those feelings have changed only in the sense that they are much deeper today than they were then. I am not going to go into the soulmates thing, I am not sure that such a relationship even exists. However I do believe that there are times in your life when certain people fit you perfectly and this was that time for me. From the 1st day that I met this woman, I was totally lost, in all my experience I had never known a woman who could stir the emotions within me as she could do. I spent several days with her on that 1st meeting and I walked away a completely and totally changed man. When we parted at the airport my heart screamed out not to go, I had never been like this before and I wonder now if I ever will be again.

I knew she was going to be special at 1st sight, she knew only after our 1st kiss, the chemistry created not just mere passion but an explosion that still happens today when we touch. The meeting wasn't perfect, she was sick, (a stomach virus), and I ended up spending a lot of the time just trying to make her as comfortable as I could. In spite of that I was head over heels for her, I had gotten just a taste of her full potential and knew that there was so much more to explore. Let me elaborate a little here on our relationship leading into this. I met her in chat, her heart was in tatters from a bad EMR, her self esteem was low and she asked me many questions about why her player type MM had dumped her, and what had she done wrong, and what would he do next? Admittedly being a player myself, I was able to read him like a bad mystery book and predict him perfectly. Somewhere in the midst of all that I began to see things in her that that made me want to see more things in her, and on and on.

A few months later and she was back on the path to regaining the person that she was before the shitty EMR, I watched her and was very happy with her progress, we became very good friends during this period. You can say what you want but no good relationship can become a great one without being friends somewhere along the way. Today she is my best friend, and I trust her with the deepest things that make me what I am, and I know that she would never use them to hurt me. Back to the story, it was 5 months from the time that we said out 1st tentative hello in chat to our 1st F2F. Hours and hours of Ims later, many more hours on the phone, we became an integral part of each others lives, we were on that synonymous wavelength, and that is what it is all about. The mental connection was so strong and we found ourselves to be of so many similar views on so many things in life.

To meet someone that you can't place into a previously determined conventional category, that rocks!! They take you outside of your own tightly wound world into a realm that you could only have imagined in the past before them. It took me 1100 miles away from my home, away from all that I had ever known to a future that was unsure at best and impossible at it's worse. I went anyway, no promises from her to leave where she was, no contract, no unspoken agreement even, I just wanted to be near to her, and I got very near to her. I had a chance to roll the dice and I rolled them, all or nothing. A month after my divorce was final, I was living in the same city as she was. Life was great, my only regret was leaving my son behind, I miss him dearly, we talk every night on the phone and I have managed to see him regularly despite the distance. My sacrifice was great.

Then the bust, weathered it, stayed through it, looked like all would crumble but we held it together. Another bust, still there, still standing, and finally the male confrontation. Hey, we got cocks and balls, we gotta fight to prove where we are with our women, or else we get labeled as pussies. As effective as banging your cock against granite to prove your cock is harder than millions of years old stone. It was pointless but he had to seek me out. All comes down to her making it work at home, that last college try, one for the Gipper? Or just one for security, the devil you know vs the devil ya don't? I understand her wanting to keep it all together, I know how hard it was for me to leave my own marriage, I have to respect her decision. I am going back to a state I dearly love, and to familiar surroundings, I will live 3 hrs from my son and will see him regularly now, this is the high point of it all.

The low points are obvious, I have to turn and walk away from something so precious, so deep and so incredibly heated that nohing in my life has ever compared to it. This woman taught me how to love and how to do it completely and without reservation. She taught me to put her feelings and desires before my own, something I could only have imagined before her. To be with her is to be in heaven and these last 4 months have been the happiest times of my entire life and leaving her is going to tear a hole in my heart that I don't know if I can ever repair. I gave it my all, I loved her like there was no tomorrow and as it turns out, there isn't one.

Yes I was cocky and arrogant and I thought that I could pull her to me forever, as the bible says so eloquently, "pride goeth before a fall", and now I am falling and it is going to be a long way to the bottom and the impact is going to be horrendous when it happens. In retrospect I wouldn't trade a second of my time with her, I had to know, I couldn't live with the thoughts of what if? I had to see if this was my destiny, and it may well have been my destiny, what I have learned here may be what I was intended to learn only to use it wisely at some future point in my life. My leaving may be exactly what it takes to make her realize that life without me may not be bearable but I can't allow myself to hold out hope for that. I have to walk away with the knowledge that this chapter in my life has been closed forever, hope will only keep me in limbo, and limbo is a hell that I no longer want to reside in.

So there it is, I dared to reach out and ask for it all, I gave every particle of my being to make this happen for us and I failed miserably. This doesn't mean that you will fail if this happens to be your dream. It means nothing more than the plain and simple fact that it just didn't work in this case. I have some small comforts to take back with me. I know without a doubt that she loves me and just to have the love of a woman like this is priceless in and of itself, but as Don Henley sings in his song, "Sometimes love just ain't enough".

The other night I was sitting miserably looking at things and what my life had became, the phone rang and I answered it to my son telling me, "daddy I love you and I miss you, I wish you were here with me". Around the sad lump in my throat I told him that I would be home soon, and would be with him before Christmas and as he told me that I had always been with him in his heart. I saw in the words of wisdom from a 9 year old that which will give me the strength to do what I have to do now. Though I leave behind me one of the greatest loves that I have ever known, I return now to one that is even greater, the love of a son for his dad and I know that I can lose myself in that, and my heart will be healed by the beautiful innocence and purity of that love in time. I am going to break for awhile from romance now, I am going to watch my son grow up and be there for him, and maybe, just maybe, I will be able to find myself and get pointed in the proper direction for once in my life. Have a good one folks.

Sadly Anon ©